...I wish sometimes I could just turn emotions off. Maybe be like Data on Star Trek? You would think that after 20 years in the Army, I could handle anything. Maybe it's because I am sick? I don't know...but I find myself tonight so emotional.
Steven picked up his gear and uniforms for his deployment today. My car is filled with things he will be taking with him when he leaves in about 2 months. That isn't very long from now. Sometimes life just isn't fair. When he went to Korea, the assignments person told him we would be in California--not Fort Hood. Within 360 hours of being home, they cancelled his orders and gave him Fort Hood. Is there some divine purpose in all of this? I haven't found it yet. I cannot understand why we are here. I miss my family, I miss our "dreams and goals" we had planned for this year...and I guess I miss my husband already. I don't fit in here--I don't volunteer much anymore and my kids are all older than everyone else's. It is going to be a very long year I am afraid.
Afraid...yes...that word comes up a lot lately too. I suffered with nightmares almost weekly of Steven dying last year while he was gone. For a person who quite often has her dreams come true--this is a terrifying prospect of going through all that again. I have held children as they have had nightmares, calmed rages from an autistic child who can't deal with stress, and cried myself to sleep many nights.
I wish...I wish sometimes the army would have just let us retire. He will fly out within 5 days of his 20 year mark. Ironic isn't it? We will be there for him...letters...packages...waiting for that phone call...because that is what we do...but I don't have to like it...and somedays...I just want to be angry at it all! And why write about it? I don't know...maybe sometimes I just have to let it out...not always be "happy heidi"...
...unless someone has a spare emotion chip I can borrow?
MIKAROSE
13 years ago
3 comments:
Let it out, let all your fears and anger,concern and love out. you need to express most of these to your hubs. But, writing it can be a great release too. I feel ya on the not fitting in. We have found ourselves in that predicament here. And it happened over a matter of 10 months. Everyone moved and then we got young families in. Mostly people didnt move, it was a ward boundary change. We have been struggling slightly.
Pssst...everything you wrote...it's NORMAL, it's that anticipatory grief and the stress that comes with it.
I'm not good at being "social", I'm good at helping others and being involved without being involved if that makes any sense.
I'm the up the road, maybe we'll need to start planning regular girl time..food always sounds good, let's do lunch sometime soon!
I have some magic little pills I take, they work wonders.....and I am always in need of a girls night out. I was just thinking how I am going to make it, Nate has only been gone for 3 months.
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